Army bound

I am Army bound damn it, I have to be, there is 88 days and as I watch yet another episode of "I Used to be Fat" I keep thinking to myself why doesn't it feel like I am changing/losing, etc.
But in some weird way I guess I am, I am not changing or dropping 9lbs in one week, but hell I couldn't tell you if I was because I seriously don't weigh myself, one because my partner, Jill, thinks I only weigh myself on uneven floor, two, I think the damn thing is broken and it is clearly broken but I don't know if the break affects the scale and third does it matter??
I guess when you get started on a journey so huge you realize you need to adjust and make changes but as I was speaking to the Lexmiester! I noticed she said something that resonated I am going through emotions I haven't dealt with before.
I have never felt with lonliness because I never had to, I had food, I had a phone, I had TV, I had my comfort weight there, not one person could tell me I was by myself because I had 1000 things around me I could have in a heart beat.
The journey is a long one but realizing that food is not the answer to feeling what you are feeling is a good thing.
So as I sit here typing this and realizing that I have one the battle, but the war is still being fought i realize I need to be stronger, I need to take that strength and realize I am not weak to food, I am strong.
I love the family, friends and support I have I just have to put my shoes back on and do it to it!

Two steps forward and then three steps back...

Oh my goodness, I just can't understand myself...I just can't understand how I try so hard and then I fail, it is like I am tripping and when I stumble I feel worse.
Well I guess I just have to try harder again tomorrow, the countdown is doing just that...going down now I need to make the weight go down.
I feel/see no changes, I fear I will never change.
I am just trying really hard in everything I do and from here on out the next step will be to just double time it.

I guess enough of the excuses, Lord help me.
“Loving God, please help me to be healthy in body, mind, and spirit. Let my body be Your temple, be nourished by Weight Watchers. Please bless me as I begin this diet, that I might better care for myself and fuel my body, to the honor of Your name. Amen.”

As I sit here...

As I sit here watching yet another episode of 'I used to be fat' I wonder to myself will I ever see the results? I feel as though I am not going to change...ever, I am just going to keep busting my ass at the gym and watching what I eat and all there will be is ROLLS. That is all I see...its rolls, and every time I workout and think in my head 'you did this to yourself' every cupcake, cinnamon buns, etc. I put in my mouth...were they worth it? Because now when I want one the most I realize I have already had them I know what they taste like...it doesn't matter anymore, but I crave them.
I want to lose weight, but I think I need to see some progress, so I think what I need to do is document my change. Look out for webcam photos because I only have that and maybe that will make me feel better about my changes.
I guess I am just complaining but I guess I don't give myself enough credit. Every time I step up and out of the gym I think 'am I doing enough'? I guess something is better than nothing right?
Ok well off to bed another day awaits and I am cardio tomorrow, I will make it through. I started running today!!!! WOOWOO!!!

Love who you are not who you aren't.
P.U.S.H.
-Autumn

So it is a hill but I am plan to get over it!

So I was thinking to myself today what is it going to take, and then I realized I have half of it accomplished...see I have done the workout part, I am gung-ho and when I am at the gym I am at my peak, sweating my ass off, daydreaming about the 'new' autumn envisioning my memories I will be able to make once I am that girl and then I realize I only have half of the work accomplished...I have conquered the drive, the workout but now it is up to diet portion and I believe this is where I struggle most.
So I guess this is where I have to 'step up to the plate' I am going to re-evaluate and my portions are getting smaller, I find myself craving but not 'following-thru' with the craving and not jumping when I want chocolate or chocolate milk, I find myself remembering that girl I want to be, the one I envision on the treadmill.
So this is where I am stuck, what do you do when you get to that point when you know that is where you need to change but you have fears of new foods and not liking things. I am a woman of habit and I like my tacos, my chicken, and I have cut the red meat out, but I still find myself struggling with saying more veggies, more fruit. Any suggestions?
Well off to the gym, its a cardio kind of day.
Now I need to find a scale, that works, and a heart rate monitor! UGH!

<3 PUSH, Autumn

The wagon is a hard one to get back on...

So I gave up on myself the past couple of days, I had the momentum and then I fell, and I tripped, more like I broke my leg and rested. I have these moments of sad, of what's the point the weight will never come off? I am destined to be fat but then something inside me is like, remember all those times you feel like crap autumn? remember those times in the summer when you want to enjoy the sunshine but are too self-conscious to go out in shorts and tanks? that is what spiked me to get back what I need to do with myself, I know I have what it takes and I have the motivation and the only issue is the money issue, Jill doesn't work yet and the job I currently have...well lets just say high school but with older people and it isn't for me. None of it is for me, and I just want to be working for an organization that can pay me and I feel worthy. This current job brings me down, but I have to keep listening to my girl Lex, there are jobs out there worthy of myself, but this job now is just to pay the bills, it isn't forever and I need to just work and pay attention to the cues I am telling myself, like I am going to make this happen. So back on the wagon today, back to structure and controlling the things I CAN control! I just keep thinking nothing will change but they will because I CAN CHANGE THEM!
Please God be with me, and thank you Mom, thank you Lex and thank you baby (Jill), for being the best people/support ever!

Why does it seem so tough....

So I did it today, half an hour later than I wanted but I did it. And honestly it felt as though everything else was getting in my way, Wii didn't want to work, Netflix said billing info was wrong, had to get my partner's bank card and amongst other things I was about to give up. The thing that kept me going was that darn show, I thought about Gaby and the girl from last night (I can't remember her name) I saw my countdown on the table and just kept trucking through it.
I did Self's "Slim, something" it was actually pretty cool, I realized I really like ballet and hope to find more workouts with that, for some weird reason I think in my head that a ballerina has a beautiful body.
I was doing this workout and I was sweating and struggling, and yes I was in pain but what I kept thinking about was all those trendy clothes I want to fit into and how badly I wanted to be the same size as my family, especially my partner so we can purchase 1 wardrobe, lol!
In addition to completing my first workout I realized I have an addiction to TV and I want to change that by filling in every moment of TV time with working out or something more active then the boob tube. I am going to limit my tv time this week, another thing I can control considering I haven't been able to control anything in my life a.k.a. work, finding a job.
The thing that is in the back of my head is I will never get where I want to go, ever, why do I feel these emotions? I feel like, why try nothing will change, and that has always been my problem.
Ok, well off to make some eggs, and OJ, 1400 calories today! and I will change I just have to get through this phase.
Chitchat later.
-Love, Aut.

The beginning to and end

Ok so today my depression was worse than ever until I spoke to some fantastic people and read some incredible emails, kudos to you people for breaking me of this dark place.

With the given energy I decided to start making some structure of this blog and what I have to do with it.
I don't expect to have everything perfect today but by tomorrow, because that is how I work, I will make sure that this blog is up an running, streaming videos of me, pics of me and carnie and videos I find of that lovely lady. I am going to try and keep dibs on her weight loss progress and let you know what I am doing and how I am doing it.
I am going to try an array of strategies and workouts but for the most part I am going to work with making smarter choices of my food and working out AT LEAST a half hour each day. And when I say working out it doesn't mean just a structured work out I mean walking the dog, etc.

But with that given I will be doing some research here, plan on at least 1 more blog than this today. Hopefully I can get some readers and keep you interested.

Suggestions, comments and concerns always a positive.